There is so much going on in my life right now I can't take it all in. I'm trying to catch my breath. Just when I feel like I've finally caught my tail the ground shifts beneath me again.
I don't want to lose the opportunity so I'm grabbing it and holding on. I never know how long things will last but I want to make the most of it.
I've never been good at risking. I have built such a wall around myself and I didn't even know it. It's only gotten worse as I've gotten older. I can look back to my Drama camp journal when I was 18 and it was there even then. Rudy was telling me "Risk it. Being criticized and getting over it gets less emotional the more you allow it to happen." and "If it shapes you and you see it as a learning experience, then it will have been a good thing! If you let it bother you, it will eventually swallow a piece of you and inhibit your willingness to take risks in the future."
I didn't really listen or learn from what he was telling me because here I am years later shrouded in fear and doubt about everything. Well I think I'm finally starting to break through it. I feel like I'm really actually living now when for so long I've just been existing.
It scares me to death but it's exhilarating at the same time. People come into your life to serve a certain purpose or to meet a need you have expressed. I feel like right now my new roommate has arrived to help me risk a little more to push my boundaries just a little. Like all catalysts when the job is done they move on. For now I'm trying to learn as much as I can from him and use it to become the person I think I was always meant to be.
Wish me luck.
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